First-year student attempts to evict roommate, claims dorm is ‘uninhabitable’

Olivia Lawlor, Staff Writer

Kurt Turner ’21 filed a complaint with the University Housing Court of Appeals on Oct. 26, claiming that his roommate, Ronald Horowitz ’21, had made their room uninhabitable. In this complaint, Turner demanded that Horowitz be evicted effective immediately. In spite of the evidence presented to the public that verifies Turner’s claims, Horowitz has vehemently refuted all of them. The case has been brought to trial, and the intense legal battle between the former best friends has escalated to new heights.

According to Turner, Horowitz has exhibited questionable hygiene habits that have jeopardized his personal health.

“Ron never wears shower shoes,” Turner said while holding a pile of used Clorox wipes. “He comes into our room after going to the bathroom with bare feet, and all I can think about are the germs that he brings with him. My immune system is already compromised from classroom stress, and I do not need to deal with any additional bacterial exposure right now.”

Horowitz fired back quickly with an explanation for his shoeless showers.

“I have always been a risk taker,” Horowitz said. “I live everyday like it could be my last. When I shower, it’s a game of Russian Roulette: there’s always a chance it could go wrong and I step in a clump of wet hair. But that’s life, you know? I don’t understand why Kurt is so uptight all the time.”

Horowitz’s daily routine has also received sharp criticism from Turner, who is under the impression that Horowitz may very well be a vampire.

“Ronald sleeps everyday until noon, and then I don’t see him for hours,” Turner said. “He comes home in the middle of the night, and then starts doing laundry. I wake up at 1 a.m. to clouds of steam and the sight of Ron leaning over his ironing board, humming show tunes.”

Once again, Horowitz came prepared with a rebuttal for Turner’s qualms.

“What can I say? I’m a Night Owl,” Horowitz said. “I do my best work under the light of the Blood Moon. I catch up on chores, iron my shirt, and press my jeans once a day. Look good, feel good, am I right?”

The heated debate, which has been labeled by many as the University’s “Trial of the Century,” is set to continue over the next few weeks. As the hostility mounts between the two students, one can only wonder who will be the last roommate standing.

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