University Thanksgiving Day parade slated for this holiday season

Charles Beers, Satire Co-Editor

In order to celebrate all of the things we as a community are thankful for, the University administration has agreed to host its inaugural Thanksgiving Day Parade on Nov. 17, here on campus. Students and faculty alike are eligible to submit their proposals for their own parade floats and balloons and thus create an accurate representation of the University’s spirit.

Some of the balloon designs had to be scrapped right off the bat, deemed “too lewd for public display.” Others were, quite frankly, inevitable. One such balloon proposal is a towering, 100-foot inflatable beer keg, equipped with arms, legs, and a face described by the review team as “inebriated and horrifying.” Beta Sigma Sigma Gamma, the fraternity responsible for the submission, has taken great pride in its craftsmanship.

“We were inspired by Dartmouth’s proud mascot: Keggy the Keg,” fraternity brother Nathan Light ’18 said. “The keg has become so much more than a float to us. It’s become an idea. A symbol of hope and brotherhood for all to see.”

Other designs have tried to encapsulate the proud traditions of the University, including a massive Bucky the Bison balloon and a float featuring all of the memorable moments in our history acted out by randomly selected faculty.

“I’ll be playing William Bucknell himself, donating $50,000 to save the school,” Professor of Computer Science Gill Bates said, wearing the traditional styles of 1881. “I just hope that students know that the wads of cash I’m throwing off the sides of the float aren’t real.”

The parade will start at the Christy Mathewson Gates, cycle past Freas Hall down to the Elaine Langone Center, and then travel down 7th Street until it reaches the heart of Lewisburg. Students have expressed an interest in hosting a Super Thursday to coincide with the parade, thus doubling the overall enjoyment of the festivities.

“After the success of pumpkin-spice alcohol, I’ve been experimenting with a selection of Thanksgiving-inspired flavors for this year’s parties,” Light, an amateur microbrewer and licensed alcoholic, said. “Get ready for turkey-infused tequila and stuffing shots. You’ll be thankful if your liver lasts until finals.”

In spite of the controversial elements of the parade, University officials have shown great pride in the community-wide response to the event.

“It may be weird for the local children to wake up Thanksgiving morning and see a crowd of large inflatable squirrels and alcoholic beverages floating down their street,” Bates said. “But just like the Pilgrims on their voyage to Plymouth, sometimes you just have to have blind faith that you’re doing the right thing.”

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