Knitted goods kingpin arrested in Vedder Hall

Jon Meier, Satire Editor

Officials from the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) raided floor 1D in Smith Hall on Jan. 24 in what is quickly becoming known as the “Bust in the ’Burg.” Megan Kerrygan ’21 was arrested and charged with tax evasion and coercion in relation to an underground knitted good ring that she purportedly headed.

“Everyone knew what was going on. It was only a matter of time. She showed me her phone once and there were thousands of dollars in Venmo transactions,” Evan Kwon ’21, a hall mate of Kerrygan, said.

The underground operation began as an Arts Residential project, where Kerrygan presented a sweater she had made. After receiving multiple compliments and purchase offers, a business plan began to form in her dorm room. Among the pieces of evidence rumored to be found were a cable knit cardigan, a ribbed heather gray beanie, and a garter stitch sweater made with merino wool.

“We’ve been aware of Ms. Kerrygan’s activities for some time but were unable to charge her with anything substantial. She used misleading Venmo transactions such as ‘food’ and ‘gas’ that could’ve been easily debated in court. We were able to take action when we received testimony from a cashier at a local clothes retailer that Ms. Kerrygan threatened to burn their business into the ground if they didn’t carry her items exclusively,” John Gristliff, lead investigator of the raid, said.

Kerrygan faces a maximum of 12 years in prison if all charges against her are brought to fruition. In the wake of the trial, Kerrygan has a standing offer from the College of Management to teach a class on youth entrepreneurship.

(Visited 453 times, 1 visits today)