The Bucknellian

Philadelphia adds second NFL team just so Wentz and Foles can start

Graphic by Jared Shapiro

Graphic by Jared Shapiro

Jeff Klebauskas, Contributing Writer

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In an unprecedented business maneuver to double-down on their long-awaited Super Bowl victory, the Philadelphia Eagles have managed to convince the NFL, the city of Philadelphia, and the state of Pennsylvania to allocate funds for the strict purpose of establishing a second team that, starting in 2020, will call Philadelphia home. After the news was released, Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie was spotted handing out free cheesesteaks to the panhandlers on 34th and Gray’s Ferry Avenue, still riding high off the Feb. 4 blowout.

“That’s right! Philly’s gonna have two teams!” Lurie said, his tattered Randall Cunningham jersey flapping in the breeze. “And guess what?! Both of ’em are gonna be in the NFC East!  So that means the Cowboys are gonna have to come here twice a year to get stomped out and sent back to that pathetic, one-teamed city of theirs!  E-A-G-L-E-S! EAGLES!”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell confirmed the new addition to the league in an over-the-phone interview with The Bucknellian.

“I really had no choice. There was, like, I don’t know, anywhere from a hundred to two-hundred angry fans picketing in the parking lot when I came in to work today. One of them had a megaphone and threatened to either punch a police horse in the face or vomit on a ten-year old girl for every hour that went by that Philadelphia wasn’t granted permission to have a second team. If you saw them you would have done the same.”

The impetus for adding another team was somewhat obvious considering their current predicament at the quarterback position. With Carson Wentz coming off a monster year that was cut short by an ACL injury and “patron saint” Nick Foles blowing the football world’s collective mind with his play, the Eagles found themselves in a bind, a bind that would not last long if Lurie had anything to do with it.

“There’s no way I’d let either one of them go, even if they wanted to! They don’t have a choice!  The city of brotherly love owns them! This is Folesa — WAIT!  Folesadelphia, Wentzylvania! Oh my God, I’m a genius!” Lurie said.

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Philadelphia adds second NFL team just so Wentz and Foles can start