Kushner’s security clearance downgraded from top secret to “high school senior”

Jon Meier, Satire Editor

In a week following major restructuring in the Trump administration, senior adviser and son-in-law to President Trump, Jared Kushner, saw his security clearance downgraded not just once, but twice this week. The first demotion brought Kushner from “Top Secret” to “Secret” clearance. The second demotion brought him down to “high school senior,” which requires that Kushner raise his hand to use the bathroom, and limits his dining options to frozen pizza and chicken tenders.

White House Chief of Staff John F. Kelly cited issues of responsibility and initiative as main motivators behind the dual-level demotion in a press conference today. “Mr. Kushner is an extremely bright individual, but he’s displayed distracting behavior during cabinet meetings, making fart noises with his mouth, and doodling ‘Kushner 2020’ on highly sensitive documents. We think he could do so much better if he just applied himself more,” Kelly said.

At “high school senior” security clearance, Kushner will need a signed permission slip every week from a legal guardian or spouse. His off-campus privileges have also been revoked indefinitely until he’s proven responsible enough. He’ll still be able to compete on the White House athletic teams but won’t be officially recognized on any of the team rosters.

“It’s so lame, dude,” Kushner said in a phone interview. “I was just trying to bring some younger energy to ‘La Casa Blanca’ you know? Okay, wear my varsity jacket to a briefing once, shame on me, but can you blame me for playing pong in the Oval Office?”

Kushner’s role in diplomatic affairs with Israel have been suspended until he learns whether he’s been accepted to the student exchange program in Tel Aviv.

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