The Bucknellian

Inebriated student files missing person report on himself

Jeff Klebauskas, Contributing Writer

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After ingesting a borderline poisonous cocktail of weed gummy bears, hallucinogens and cheap beer over the weekend, a University student experienced the stress of filing a missing person report on one of his friends, who turned out to be himself.

The student — whose complete identity will be withheld because we kind of feel bad for him — began the binge some time on Friday night and filed the report early Monday morning.  Lieutenant Christopher Mascaro took the report and had this to say:

“I have not seen a person in a state of mind like this since that one time my buddy Rich got all jacked up on Mescaline and quaaludes back in the ’80s. It was a complete out-of-body experience for the kid. He truly believed that his mind had detached from his physical form, and he did not know how to handle it. We brought him to the hospital and, from what I understand, they gave him a quart of that grainy, black stuff that makes you throw up, so that he could get all that garbage out of his system. I was told he eventually came back to reality, but trust me once you go that far into the sunken place, you never truly come back.”

The Bucknellian was able to track down the student, who has subsequently dropped out of college and is now living in the woods somewhere outside Burlington, Vt. When asked about his substance-induced intergalactic travels, he said:

“You can’t land on four-fifths or three-eighths or whatever, man!  You need to know the agenda! You need to know what time it is! It’s all related! Ask me! I’m everything!  I’m Moses, Joseph, Buddha, Confucius, AND Jim Jones right here in the flesh! Go ahead and touch me! Feel me! Do it!”

When he was told that most of the people reading this article would not be on acid was and asked if he could please clarify what he was talking about, the thought did not register.

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Inebriated student files missing person report on himself