University’s most failed alumni: where are they now?

Jon Meier, Satire Editor

As graduation looms closer, The Bucknellian reached out to alumni to see what they’ve been up to since their days in Lewisburg. As a fear tactic, The Bucknellian scanned the entire alumni network to find the alum who failed to capitalize on their quarter million dollar education.

1. Jarrett Steuben, 1972, Mathematical Economics, Ballboy

“It’s not so bad. I grew up watching the Scranton/Wilkes Barre Railriders so it’s great to be a part of the team. I’m a bit older than the other ball boys but I get free hot dogs every Tuesday.”

2. Gracin Moore, 1985, Political Science, Live Mannequin

“The key is to breathe in through one nostril and out the other. Standing around all day, I have a lot of time to think about the current global political scene. Takes me back to my best days back in the ’burg.”

3. Greg Grenadine, 1996, Anthropology and Psychology, Free Spirit

“House Party Weekend really opened my eyes, dude. For a few years, I went all corporate after graduation and I hated it. But now I sleep anywhere I want, and I don’t pay any taxes! Are you gonna finish that donut by the way?”

4. Michele Frumpington, 2014, Dance and Chemical Engineering, Soprano Sax Player

“I never touched an instrument in my life. But I found out that you don’t really need to know how to play the soprano sax to be in a jazz band. You just do your best Kenny G impression and it always gets the crowd going.”

5. Garret LaQuinta Inn, 2024, Women and Gender Studies, Time Traveler

“I can’t believe they haven’t finished Academic Northwest by Southeast yet. That was done by my sophomore year. And of course, there’s still nowhere to park my hover car. Classic.”

 

 

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