University proposes Pottermore quizzes to sort first-year students

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

After a week of deliberation, University Housing Services has announced its plan to implement Pottermore quizzes to sort incoming students into their first-year dorms. According to the software development team responsible for the project, the new polling system could be up and running as early as next summer.

“In many ways, Lewisburg is a magical place, too,” Professor McDonnellgal, who brought up the idea of the new quizzes last year, said. “Why waste time organizing people based on music tastes and cleaning habits when a talking hat can do it for you?”

The University’s questions will closely mirror the existing ones on the Pottermore website, meticulously crafted by J.K. Rowling, in order to determine a person’s core values and where they truly belong on campus. Students and faculty alike have already expressed their excitement to see the survey, nicknamed the Sorting Hat, in action.

“We will do our best not to discriminate by building,” Professor Hartlock, the analytics and logistics coordinator transferring the new personality tests to Qualtrics, said. “However, we have noticed that a large number of Slytherins have been gathering around Vedder as of late.”

Public opinion surrounding the University Sorting Hat has been mostly positive, with students claiming that the questions revealed parts of themselves that they had never considered before.

“The survey asked me if I was the type of person to shotgun a beer in the Bertrand Library study rooms,” Larry Trotter ’20 said. “I said no. I never guessed I’d be a Ravenclaw.”

Once the quiz goes live, University officials have said that they will take the initiative further to handle students who are disappointed with their living arrangements.

“While Hogwarts houses are final and binding, any discrepancies can be resolved with an additional Patronus test,” Hartlock said. 

Hartlock proceeded to demonstrate by casting his own Patronus, a bison, with the dragon heartstring wand he purchased at an undisclosed location in downtown Lewisburg.

When asked to comment on this rebranding of the University, Headmaster Bravman had just one thing to say before disappearing into the alleyway behind Bull Run: “Muggles have it rough.”

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