Student feels effects after summer-long Netflix binge

Anthony Lopez, Contributing Writer

As the summer drew to a close, Jonathan Hulu ’20 frantically searched for another Netflix Original to binge. According to his mother, he had already completed “Stranger Things,” “Master of None,” and every single Marvel superhero show that the streaming service had churned out.

“He even sat through the second season of ‘13 Reasons Why,’” Mrs. Hulu said with tears in her eyes. “Jonathan will watch anything if it’s on Netflix.”

Interviews with his close friends revealed that Hulu knew that once classes started, the grind would begin. Gone would be the days when he could simply lounge on his bed and scroll through countless potential viewings. He had hoped that his constant binges would hold him over for the entire school year.

The effects of the withdrawal were immediate. In Anthropology 101, instead of taking in the professor’s lecture and jotting down notes, Hulu spent the entire class ranking the best and worst series Netflix had to offer. According to Professor Jones, he was so absorbed in the list that he was soon the only one left in the class.

“I was just staring at him,” Jones said. “He worked on that list for three hours after class ended. That’s commitment right there.”

“I’m a little concerned,” Patricia Walsh ’20, a friend of Hulu’s, said. “We had spoken to each other less over the summer, but I wasn’t sure why. The second I saw him, that’s when I knew.”

Walsh recalled several instances where she heard Hulu muttering to himself as they walked from class to class, quietly theorizing to himself.

“But if there are so many Marvel Netflix shows, why have none of them been mentioned in the movies?” Hulu said. “Insatiable wasn’t that bad, now that I think about it.”

Now the effects of his summer binges are starting to take a more dramatic toll. In a conversation with a peer, Hulu, seemingly out of nowhere, said in a monotone voice, “Are you still listening? Please say anything to confirm.” The confused bystander opted to just walk away.

In another incident, after a student in one of his classes said, “this is so hard” during a test, Hulu immediately screamed, “That’s what she said!”

People also have observed how every single morning during breakfast, Hulu would enter the cafeteria, impersonate Chief Jim Hopper and say, “Mornings are for coffee and contemplation.”

“He never actually drank any coffee, but he would just keep saying it,” Amy Zon ’21 said. “I hope he gets the help he needs.”

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