Bucky’s Declassified School Survival Guide

Tip #1320

The infection rate of the University plague is reaching record heights this year. Take extra precaution in keeping yourself safe from your sick roommates. Hang your bed sheets across the room to quarantine others. Wear padded gloves when touching doorknobs. Don’t go outside for any reason. Ever.


Tip #1728

If you are planning to take your parents to Super, be careful. You never know if your dad was a secret frat star in his college days. If he starts to get in position to do a keg stand in the middle of the party, there is no going back. Embrace the fact that your dad is frattier than you, and then hold his legs up.


Tip #1729

Reading ancient texts and manuscripts can become incredibly tedious as the year progresses, especially when you’ve already pulled six all-nighters in a given week. Never fear. Wikipedia is always there to summarize even the most daunting of classics. Remember: anyone can edit anything, so you always know that you’re getting the best information.


Tip #1800

There are always one or two nights a year when you forget your wallet and ID. To prepare for this, start designing a system of pulleys outside of your building as an emergency elevator system. The most successful upperclassmen can tell you how they snuck their way back into Vedder Hall by scaling the outer wall with a rope made of their dirty clothes.


Tip #1823

Whenever you feel lost or confused in a class, or just with life in general, take a deep breath and think, “I don’t know what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it really well.”

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