First-year parents request child swap after realizing roommate is much cooler

Alex Boyer, Contributing Writer

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After spending much more time with their daughter’s significantly cooler roommate during Family Weekend, one pair of University parents have decided to officially exchange their current child. Sources say that the child transfer will take place through the University registration system.

“Saying my daughter was lame is a bit of an understatement,” Carol Jabroni said, the soon-to-be ex-mother of Women and Gender Studies major Alicia Jabroni ’21.

Jabroni had recently received high marks on her midterm exams, and joined the Pokemon Club, but her parents were less than pleased. After a period of intense deliberation under the Family Weekend tent, the Jabroni family decided to opt for a child swap with well-known sorority member and alleged “toooootal hottie” Steph “Woman of Kegs” Dzhugashvili ’21.

The Bucknellian was able to obtain an exclusive interview with the Jabroni family to discuss why they made the switch and the implications for their family following the transition.

“We just wanted a daughter who would be able to go to Fiji and throw down a couple a cold ones,” Martin Jabroni ’88 said. “I remember when I went to school here and grades weren’t important at all. I got my Philosophy degree just fine. My son has always been a disappointment.”

After clarifying that she was, in fact, a woman, Jabroni expressed her concerns with the swap.

“I’m trying to be optimistic,” Jabroni said in the midst of changing her last name on her University ID and credit cards. “But I heard my new parents are raging alcoholics.”

When asked about the roommate swap, Dzhugashvili had more enthusiastic comments.

“Uh, yeah, cool I guess,” Dzhugashvili said. “I haven’t seen my real parents for 15 years and I think it would be lit to show off my specialty shotgunning technique. I call it the Iron Curtain. Pretty metal, right?”

The Jabroni parents expressed their approval of Dzhugashvili’s skull collection and Grateful Dead posters, compiling an extensive list that illustrates her inherent coolness.

According to the Roommate Exchange Office, the official swap will occur after finals week, on the condition that Jabroni aces all of her exams. Should Jabroni fail her finals and win at least three documented and legally-noncompliant games of beer pong, Jabroni would be once again accepted into her family.

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