Message Center emails finally deciphered, predict end of the world

Alex Boyer, Contributing Writer

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Students and faculty were alarmed when the Message Center sent out an ominous message this morning at exactly 1:06 a.m. The message was heavily encrypted, but after consulting the University’s top code-breakers, the email has been completely deciphered. The decrypted text is as follows:

Campus Business

“All facilities and staff will be unavailable after 9 p.m. Friday due to end of world.”

Upon further investigation, University historians found that the Message Center dates back to an ancient Lewisburg civilization as a series of scrolls and papyrus distributed amongst the community. Several of these texts have predicted the apparent end of our entire modern civilization.

“This discovery has unlocked the capability to understand something far beyond our meager minds: the creation and end of the universe,” Trianne Phoni, the official faculty representative of the Message Center, said.

While gently blowing on the shattered screen of a dusty, early 2000s Nokia cell phone, Phoni read one of the early inscriptions that predict the end of the world:

“woot, w00t, kewl tr1cks m8 R0fz. w0rld 3nd1ng 10/5/2018 gl hf.”

Phoni has attempted to remain calm and ignore our impending destruction, spending her time instead compiling nexts week’s inevitably meaningless news.

“The use of cryptology has befuddled even the brightest minds in the Linguistics department, but after years of decryption, we have finally done it,” Phoni said. “The ultimate secret of the Message Center has been revealed. The world will end in the next 24 hours.”

This startling news, however, has caught virtually no attention from campus residents.

“Do people actually read the Message Center emails?” Emily Mail ’22 said. “Usually I just use the email as a reminder to fall asleep.”

Those who are now aware of the coming apocalypse have remained cautiously optimistic for the future. After all, at least we don’t have to worry about finals.

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