Unlucky sophomore has disastrous Employer Expo

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

According to his friends and the company representatives who spoke with him, notoriously unlucky Ray “Bad Luck” Bucky ’20 had the most statistically-unsuccessful Employer Expo in the history of the event.

As over 100 different employers came to speak with current students on Sept. 25 for the Expo, Bucky’s intricate plan of attack quickly fell apart. His first goal that morning was to print out 10 copies of his resume on official resume paper. However, this was easier said than done.

“First the printer jammed,” Bucky said. “Then the ink ran out. Then there was no paper left. Then there was a power outage in the CDC. So basically, I spent the morning checking every available printer on campus. None of them would work.”

Desperate, Bucky decided to hand-write all of his credentials on the crumpled loose-leaf paper he had stuffed into his backpack. He was disappointed to find that the bulk of his experience could fit on the first 10 lines of the pages.

“Some of the skills I listed I just made up on the spot,” Bucky said. “‘Proficiency in Microsoft Office’ basically means I know how to make pictures fly across the screen in PowerPoint.”

By the time he had made it to Gerhard Fieldhouse, Bucky realized that the steam-pressed suit that he had prepared for the event was still hanging in his room. Out of options, he strolled into the fair wearing neon green athletic shorts and a tank top with his fraternity letters on it.

“I didn’t even ask if he wanted a LinkedIn photo taken,” resident photographer Ann Stagram said. “He looked like a rejected background character from Animal House.”

Those in attendance watched in awe as Bucky, armed with his loose-leaf resumes, approached the various booths and their representatives. Some recoiled, some laughed, and some told him that they weren’t hiring at the moment.

When asked about how her conversation with Bucky went, hiring representative Eve Jobs was taken aback.

“Wait, that was a student?” Jobs asked. “That explains the paper he gave me.” She pointed to the nearby trash can where one of Bucky’s resumes rested crumpled on top.

Despite these setbacks, Bucky remains cautiously optimistic about his chances of snagging an internship for the summer.

“I think the important thing is that I stood out,” Bucky said, accidentally dropping one of his company flyers into the Susquehanna River. “Now I just have to nail the interview.”

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