Students excited to tan on new family yachts after UN Climate Report predicts crisis-level rise in temperature and sea levels

Alex Boyer, Staff Writer

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A striking UN Climate report from the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has predicted a massive 10°F shift along the temperate zones between the Tropic of Cancer and the Arctic Circle as a proliferation of greenhouse gases continues. One result of this fact, says the UN Report, is the relocation of over 200,000,000 people on the coast of the world’s oceans and natural aquifers, as well as widespread human misery and monetary loss. Another, more radical, consequence affects those living inland, especially for the students of Lewisburg.

The University administration is making plans to transform the eastern side of campus into beachfront residences with an artificial port to accompany the staggering amount of yachts being purchased by students’ families. The new harbor will be attached to the Academic East complex in the hopes of attracting more students.

“Yeah, I never really wanted to come see my son until now,” Carol Sylvester said as she practiced her surfing techniques on the small tide pools that were already forming on campus.

In anticipation of the coming floods, hundreds of yachts have been shipped to the town, and property values have skyrocketed. Students have also expressed their excitement to have something new to do.

“It’s just like home,” Maximillian Francisco ’20 said, whose former residence recently became part of a coral reef somewhere in California.

This excitement came at the expense of nearly all of the displaced families across the nation. The University’s Office of Strategic Morality gave a public statement in an attempt to put a positive spin on these recent developments: “We can’t afford to give all those kids free rides. What we can do is completely ignore this problem and make the campus more sustainable for our larger yachts.”

Oblivious to the situation, many students have simply tried to make the most out of their now “totally worth it” college experience. Kendall Tripp ’21, for instance, is still recovering from an incident with Vedder’s now-fixed sidewalk hole and provided feedback on the University’s decisions.

Kicking his feet up on the Sea Maiden, his family’s $400,000,000 super-yacht which guzzles an extraordinary 100 gallons of fuel per nautical mile, Tripp said, “I pay $70,000 in tuition for this? Not bad.”

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