“How to Be a Functioning Adult” course announced for spring graduates

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

Recognizing that a large number of students are unprepared for the world outside of the Christy Mathewson Gates, the University has announced a series of mandatory courses on how to be a functioning adult in society following Commencement. The class will focus on the basics of surviving adulthood and will be offered strictly to the graduating class.

Visiting Professor Vincent Adultman has spearheaded this initiative, designing the class based on his own various experiences roaming around campus.

“While I was sitting doing business in the middle of Bertrand Library, I noticed a pack of students circled around one of the tables, huddled over a piece of paper which I later found out was a tax form,” Adultman said. “I don’t think they knew how to file their taxes. Or what taxes were. I’m pretty sure I saw one of them poke it with a stick.”

Along with lessons on felony tax evasion and managing checkbooks, Adultman also plans on teaching his students the fundamentals of property ownership, medical plans, 401(k)s, and other essential aspects of modern life.

To many of his prospective students, Adultman’s class was a wake-up call. Chad Bradley ’19, one of many seniors who signed up for the course, was eager to learn all about the grown-up lessons he was never properly taught.

“Mr. Adultman asked me if I knew how to pay rent. What the hell is rent?” Bradley said as his bag of popcorn caught fire in the microwave, sounding the alarms in his South Campus Apartment.

Other students were more skeptical of their chances of passing the new course and becoming functioning members of society.

“I didn’t realize we had to leave once we got the diploma,” Greta Job ’19 said. “I was just planning on crashing in my friend’s Mod until she kicked me out.”

Despite the severe lack of practical knowledge on campus, Adultman remains optimistic that his introduction to the real world will be a success.

“It’s a hard lesson to learn, but someday you just have to grow up,” Adultman said, as he promptly followed his students’ applause with a keg stand.

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