Susquehanna River Symposium reveals incredible health benefits of drinking river water

Alex Boyer, Staff Writer

Research studies unveiled at the University-hosted Susquehanna River Symposium have taken both the scientific and campus communities by storm. According to their findings, drinking large quantities of Susquehanna River water can actually impart significant health benefits, including an increased intake of Z-vitamins and resistance to chemical poisoning.

The discovery of these benefits comes after weeks of intensive studies on the impact of the river on the local area, in addition to reports that the trees surrounding the water were beginning to mysteriously turn black and wilt. Terry Nieuhard ’20, one of the test subjects for these experiments, had nothing but positive things to say about his new favorite drink.

“When we first tried this delicious water, we instantly saw the effects,” Nieuhard said, doubling over and shaking from an apparent case of the chills. “It’s a decongestant that cleanses your digestive system. I would definitely recommend it to anyone who suffers from blockages.”

Upon learning of its miraculous properties, corporations have flocked to the valley to bottle up this amazing water and sell it for exorbitantly high prices. Although this has greatly improved the local economy, environmentalists have asked to suspend the practice of bottling the water due to environmental concerns.

“You guys do see all that toxic waste being dumped into the river, right?” Dmitri Hugger, advocate for a free and relatively clean Susquehanna River, said. “Why would anyone want to drink this? It smells like death.”

After learning that the water was vegan-friendly, however, environmentalist concerns swiftly diminished. The Susquehanna River Symposium has not commented on the recent commercialization of the discovery, despite having large shares in both the water bottling industry and pharmaceutical companies.

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