Engineering student hasn’t seen the sun in several weeks

Alex Boyer, Staff Writer

Professional hide-and-seek season officially ended in the summer, but the search had just begun for friends of Alfred Einekleine ’22. Einekleine, an engineering student, was reported missing from the University back in late August. Friends all corroborated the story that he wanted some time to himself to study for a big exam. And another big exam. And anoth—well, you get the point. Due to the help of his compatriots, Einekleine was eventually found in the janitor’s closet of the Dana Engineering Building, softly sobbing due to his poor semester grades.

“I . . . I just wanted to get a good score,” Einekleine said as he wept over his test, which displayed an emblazoned B-.

Einekleine’s friends didn’t know what had happened to him, but they were all optimistic about the prospects that he would be found.

“It’s all relative, you see,” Niles Bore ’22 said. “To some, it would seem like the investigations of his whereabouts were dragging on. But to me, with my life going as fast as it is, the investigation was all over in an instant. But we’re all glad he’s back. I’ve been waiting to copy his homework answers for days now.”

In this quagmire of moral and spacetime relativity, students are erecting hastily-built shrines to Professor of Physics and Astronomy Tom Solomon in the hope that he can deliver them from this daily suffering. Einekleine’s almost permanent disappearance from campus has shocked students and faculty into an almost dream-like state, because the engineering students were unaware that something other than perfect attendance existed.

Test culture in the College of Engineering is expected to be more rigorous than ever with the news that Einekleine can no longer be used as a martyr.

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