“Sweet Victory” to be named new University alma mater


Olivia Braito, Graphics Manager

Graphics by Olivia Braito.

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

Following a successful online petition started by campus a cappella groups, the University officially announced its decision to replace its alma mater with the powerful rock ballad “Sweet Victory” this week. The song, made famous by the classic episode of “SpongeBob SquarePants,” will now headline a joint performance by Beyond Unison, Two Past Midnight, The Silhouettes, and The Offbeats on Feb. 24 during the halftime show of the Bison men’s basketball game against Lafayette.


While the decision was a difficult one, with the administration receiving intense criticism from the University Alumni Association, University President John Bravman expressed his optimism towards the change.


“I was quite inspired the first time I listened to the Bubble Bowl with my kids,” Bravman said. “I think the lyrics resonate with all of us, young and old. The winner takes all. The thrill of one more kill. The last one to fall will never sacrifice their will. These are messages we should be teaching all of our students.”


According to the leaders of the petition, which garnered over 50,000 signatures despite the University currently enrolling approximately 3,600 students, the movement was inspired by the disappointment of the Super Bowl halftime show and the unanswered promise of a SpongeBob performance at the big event.


“The NFL looked at all of our requests for a proper ‘Sweet Victory’ tribute and somehow translated that to Sicko Mode and Adam Levine stripping to ‘She Will Be Loved,’” lead vocalist Chip Skylark ’19 said. “What we really wanted was Mrs. Puff ripping a sick guitar solo on live TV.”


In order to prepare for the first live performance of the new alma mater, the a cappella groups banded together to rewatch the original SpongeBob episode, making sure everyone knew their characters inside and out.


“I was a little concerned when they gave me the role of one of the flag-twirlers,” Ariana Larga ’21 said. “Luckily, the guy playing Plankton took too long with the harmonica solo so we didn’t end up rehearsing that scene.”


While the excitement for “Sweet Victory” on campus is palpable, only time will tell if it becomes a staple of the University’s proud history or if it sounds like there’s a dying animal on the premises. Until then, our undergraduate singers are putting on their eager faces.

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