Flyson held hostage by army of squirrels


Olivia Braito, Graphics Manager

Graphics by Olivia Braito.

Bridget Beljan, Staff Writier

There must be something in the acorns in Lewisburg.


It seems that no matter where college students attend school, they believe that their university’s squirrels are abnormal in some way. Whether the squirrels are especially large in stature, nimble in the way they climb trees, or fearless when it comes to approaching humans, this claim seems pretty universal among adolescents attending any university.


This past week, however, it was almost certainly confirmed that the squirrels in Lewisburg are, in fact, the most aggressive in comparison to other campuses.


On Wednesday night, the Flyson was bombarded by what one might consider to be an army of squirrels trying to steal all the nacho tots. At 11:40 p.m., the militia of about 70 squirrels charged the line of students waiting for their spicy chicken waffle sandwiches and walking tacos in unison.


“They were armed with sharp branch swords and a ton of acorn bombs,” Flyson worker Mac Crisp said with a shudder. “In teams of two, they used leaves to catapult acorns our way.”


The line of hungry students quickly dispersed, for the most part.  “There was no way I was going to let a few squirrels stop me from getting my Nacho Mac,” Tank Williams ’19 said. “I nearly got a black eye from one of the acorns, but I only have three opportunities a week to get my fix.”


It was the courage of Flyson worker Kate Tot that eventually saved those who stuck around. “By spraying gooey cheese over all of the surfaces of our truck, I prevented the squirrels from stealing all of our fried offerings,” Tot said. “The squirrels retreated almost immediately after they realized their agility had been severely impaired.”


Students and Flyson workers alike are hoping Tot was able to scare off the army for good. Instead of waiting around for the next attack, though, it is recommended that students wear protective acorn-proof goggles and carry spray cheese with them at all times when traveling throughout campus.

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