An awkward conversation about a mysterious girl occurred this past Tuesday as Michael Eskibore ’22 interacted with his estranged uncle Pablo Eskibore. P. Eskibore, who recently left his fifth home in Tahiti for another job at a “totally legit business,” decided to make a quick stop on campus during one of his frequent round trips from New York City to Tijuana. The Bucknellian got the inside scoop on the conversation by tapping into the FBI’s audio recording from M. Eskibore’s room.

M. Eskibore, an incoming international student from Colombia, was shocked that his uncle had made contact with him and that he used the opportunity to talk about his college career.

“He asked me if I was doing well in my classes – if I was meeting new people. You know, the normal stuff,” M. Eskibore said. “He asked me if I wanted to make a lot of money, and I said no, because I came to the University to accrue debt, not to make money.”

M. Eskibore laughed nervously and then continued, “He instantly started going off about some buddy’s girl that he said went to school with me!”

Being in the business of investigative journalism and making sweet bank off of international criminal bounties, The Bucknellian inquired whether M. Eskibore had met this girl or whether his uncle had ever done business with her.

“No. He described her being about five-foot and a half, brunette, fair-skinned, and wearing a Canada Goose jacket,” M. Eskibore said. “And she also graduated from the University back in, let’s say, 2003. I definitely couldn’t distinguish her from a criminal lineup if that’s what you’re asking.”

Students are warned to take note of anyone who matches this description and looks like they could be within the ages of 18 to 38. All reports should be filed to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, 935 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington, D.C. 20535.