Tip #a

As we approach the midpoint of the semester, you may find it more and more difficult to stay awake during your classes. Coffee helps, but it’s only a temporary solution. There are several ways to better address your sleep deprivation. Paint fake eyes over your eyelids, create a life-size replica of yourself to take your seat during lecture, or pay off your closest friend to pretend to be you for a day while you recover. Imitation to fool professors is the sincerest form of flattery.

Tip #b

If you were disappointed by the results of the Oscars this past week (I’m pretty sure maybe 10 of you actually saw “Green Book”), gather your friends and create your own awards show to nominate the movies that really deserved recognition this year. The Oscars may not have hosts anymore, but your ceremony can. Channel your best Billy Crystal and belt out your best opening musical number to introduce the real Best Picture nominees.

Tip #c

I asked my editor if she wanted to include any specific jokes or references in this spot but she had her AirPods in and couldn’t hear me so I guess this is it.

Tip #d

To those who have suffered or are currently suffering from the stomach virus circulating around campus, our thoughts and prayers are with you. There will be difficult times ahead full of isolation and disgusting moments, but just remember that it can always be worse. At least you didn’t end up vomiting in your own lap at a Texas Roadhouse while the entire staff sang the birthday song to the table next to yours.

Tip #e

If you’re struggling to balance all of the obligations in your life, whether it be coursework or a club or the job search, just remember to keep your head up. In the immortal words of Michael Scott: “I’m optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate.”