Mother conducts full FBI background check on daughter’s formals date


Graphics by Olivia Braito.

Bridget Beljan, Senior Writer

In the wake of the week-long scaries House Party Weekend tends to bring, students are beginning to realize that there ain’t no rest for the wicked. Formals season is just around the corner.


Dana Date ’21 was elated when she learned that she had been invited to attend a formal in Ibiza, Spain. Upon telling her mother, however, some of her excitement turned to embarrassment.


Date’s mother decided to have a look into the personal history of her suitor, Michael Form ’20. Rather than, say, asking her daughter for more information about her partner, she decided to probe another source – the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI).


“I am not a helicopter mom by any means,” Mrs. Date said. “I just want to make sure that my daughter is not falling into the wrong hands.”


After Mrs. Date submitted the criminal background check paperwork, Form was informed that he was under investigation. He was reportedly “weirded out” by the deed but remained confident that he had nothing to hide.


“I am a gentleman, through and through,” Form said. “If anyone has seen me speaking with Public Safety, it’s only because they are my boys. The only crime I’d plead guilty to is being a handsome devil.”


In accordance with Form’s testimony, Mrs. Date did not find anything noteworthy in her request to the FBI.


“To say I am utterly mortified would be an understatement,” Date said when asked how she felt about her mother’s actions. “It should be a crime to delve that deep into the life of a boy I just met. I was kind of hoping things could turn romantic between us, but now I am just hoping he will still take me at all.”


Despite her worries, word has it that the pair will still be attending the formal in Ibiza. We hope Mrs. Date will be pleased with the photos from the trip.

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