Cleveland Browns fan vocal to proactively prevent possible future bandwagoning accusations

Jeff Klebauskas, Senior Writer

After the recent improvement of the Cleveland Browns’ roster through the acquisitions of Odell Beckham Jr. and a quarterback who made it through a full season, Bernie Vardell ’20 has been noticeably vocal about his lifelong support of the team. Sources say he has been doing so to ensure that, in the event that the Browns start winning, nobody can accuse him of jumping on the team’s awful bandwagon.


Members of The Bucknellian spotted Vardell parading around campus shirtless with his body painted orange and chewing on a plastic bone. He was finally caught outside the gates of the Christy Mathewson Memorial Stadium and was asked about his sudden confidence in what is colloquially known as “The Factory of Sadness.”


“HERE WE GO BROWNIES, HERE WE GO!” Vardell screamed, then barked like a Pitbull before throwing dog biscuits at everybody in the general vicinity.


A concerned friend of Vardell’s was able to chase him down, leash him up, and tie him to a pole before speaking with staff writers. He wished to remain anonymous.


“He’s been like this ever since Mayfield hit Landry for 14 yards on that slant pattern during the Thursday night game against the Jets back in September,” he said, gasping for air while filling a bowl with water and placing it next to a growling Vardell. “He got it in his head that he had to express, in the most extreme form imaginable, just how much he loves the Browns before the bandwagon vultures start swarming.”


When an uninformed reporter regrettably asked what exactly a Brown is and how are they related to dogs, Vardell broke free from his chain and charged the unfortunate interviewer, who managed to escape by climbing onto the roof of a minivan parked nearby.


At the time of publication, Vardell was still snarling and drooling with his hands on the hood of the van, eagerly waiting for the reporter to lose his footing and slide down the windshield.      

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