University poll: best things to order drunk on Amazon

Lewis Rizzoli, Staff Writer

In today’s world, everything you can imagine is accessible with the touch of a button. You search for whatever you desire, find immediate results online, and choose among them. Instant gratification is one of the 21st century’s greatest marvels.


While Amazon is very useful, it can also be an easy platform for compulsive purchases. This is especially true when the user is inebriated and, after the firewater has manifested, their preferences completely change. This leads to purchases that, most likely, would not have been made in a sober state of mind.


In order to compile the best drunk Amazon orders, The Bucknellian decided to do some detective work. To get the most varied results, our reporters picked three different parts of campus to conduct polls: the South Campus Apartments, the downtown houses on St. Catharine Street, and the Caf.

The investigation began with the inebriated masses in downtown Lewisburg last Friday night, where the frequenters of this well-known street would surely give us copious amounts of regrettable Amazon orders. While people were transitioning in and out of parties we decided to interview Brendan Montague ’20 of Long Island, N.Y.


When asked if he had ever ordered on Amazon drunk, Montague replied, “Is the Pope Catholic?” He went on to explain his most recent purchase.


“Last Wednesday night, I decided that I would order a Nicolas Cage pillowcase and switch it with my roommate’s,” Montague said. “A few days went by and I had forgotten about the order. At the end of the week, I picked up the package and was totally surprised, then finally made the switch. Best decision I’ve made in a while.”


At the South Campus apartments, we interviewed Sarah Katz ’19. When asked if she had made any drunk Amazon orders, her face dropped. With the thought of leaving the University in a few weeks and living an adult life fresh in her mind, Katz decided to buy a shower curtain. When Katz received the curtain, however, she realized the curtain depicted a cat flying in space. She was not very content with her new bathroom accessory and immediately sent it back.


At the Caf we interviewed tight-end Ed Jones ’19. Jones, a constantly hungry 6’5” football player, who came home one night and was both tipsy and extremely ravenous. He decided to buy 150 containers of Easy Mac, all of which he then stored in his room. Jones hopes to go through them all by the end of the year.


To summarize our list: one Nicholas cage pillow, one flying space-cat shower curtain, and 150 containers of Easy Mac. Our conclusion? Amazon should shut down after 12:00 a.m.


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