Satire editor is forcibly evicted from The Bucknellian after refusing to graduate


Graphics by Olivia Braito.

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

Public Safety officers were seen storming Stuck House this past Wednesday night as former Satire Editor Barles Cheers ’19 refused to vacate the premises after his last Production Night.


Announcing his unofficial retirement from comedy after three incredible semesters as The Bucknellian’s satire editor and one remarkably unsuccessful semester as news editor, Cheers was then escorted from the building for refusing to give up his position to his successors.


According to the officers who dragged him out of the meeting, Cheers barricaded the building with stacks of old issues of The Bucknellian and several copies of the unlicensed Bucknellopoly board game that he planned on pitching to Milton-Bradley the following week.


“I think it was time for him to go,” Maley Hullen ’19, The Bucknellian’s former Editor-in-Chief, said. “By the time P-Safe broke down the door and threw him to the curb, he was just screaming Office quotes anyway.”


Despite his controversial exit and detainment, Cheers remained optimistic about the future of the satire section. Over a tub of Ben Jerry’s “We Dough” ice-cream and a 77-pack of Lewisburg-famous Bucky Lights, Cheers provided a brief statement about his time at The Bucknellian.


“The people that you work with are just, when you get down to it, your very best friends,” Cheers said. “They say on your deathbed, you never wish you spent more time at the office, but I will. Got to be a lot better than a deathbed.”


With his departure, Cheers leaves behind many unanswered questions. Many fans of The Bucknellian are still waiting for the release of his official NBC sitcom, originally slated for a 2018 release but now postponed indefinitely. Some, including director and former Bucknellian fraternity social chair Julie Spear ’19, claim that the footage is still out there, waiting to be discovered.


“I’m not at liberty to say,” Spear said. “But yes.”


We eventually caught up with Cheers, walking through the finally-completed Academic North by Northwest, reflecting on his time with the amazing people who make up The Bucknellian. He expressed his hope that, in the end, he was able to make people laugh.


“This is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest,” Cheers said, writing down the last line of his final satire article. He then wrote one more:


“That’s what she said.”


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