Students take “Ain’t no laws when you’re drinking Claws” seriously

Elizabeth Lagerback, Bridget Beljan, and Amy Schlusser, Contributing Writer and Satire Co-Editors

This Labor Day weekend, Public Safety had a record-breaking number of violations. Despite University students having classes on the national holiday, students seemed to have found their own ways to observe it.

Among the incidents are two Caf break-ins, six counts of vandalism in Bertrand Library, and an attempted Bison robbery. Investigators affiliated with Public Safety found one commonality in each of these crimes: an empty White Claw can was found at the scene of each one of them.

The break-ins at the Caf occurred hours after closing. Cameras outside revealed that one of the robbers was dressed in a Bucky the Bison costume. No footage was provided of what happened in the Caf at the time of the incident, but the next morning revealed an empty White Claw can carefully placed next to two empty cauldrons of soup. At the present moment, there are no suspects, and the investigation is still open.

Saturday night, the library was vandalized a number of times. Bucky the Bison was spray-painted onto six of Bertrand’s walls. Authorities and art professors believe that six separate criminals were involved because each Bucky the Bison was made with unique spray strokes. 

One student, Claudia White ’21, who had just turned 21, described the experience of her first sip. “At first I really enjoyed the fizz and the taste,” White said, “ but then I became filled with a weird desire to do something illegal.” 

White was caught attempting to steal spinach tortillas from the wrap station at the Bison. She is doing community service and going to Claws Anonymous to repent her sins. 

A bystander heard White utter a strange phrase before snatching the tortillas. 

“There’s one thing that makes White Claw special,” Hardy Seltzer ’20 said. “You can’t drink one without saying ‘ain’t no laws when you’re drinking claws’ first.”

Public Safety plans on keeping their ears open for this phrase. 

“We just want to keep this campus safe, and it will be a tough year if everyone keeps rejecting the law like this,” Public Safety officer P. Lice said. “I am going to write a strongly worded letter to the creator of White Claw, that’s for sure.” 

Since these violations have occurred, Giant and Beer Barn have removed all White Claw boxes from their shelves.

(Visited 1,268 times, 1 visits today)