While University students were home for fall break, some students underwent changes that, upon arrival four days later, proved to turn their lives upside-down. 

Fiona Faux ’20 came back to campus not only with piles of procrastinated work, but also with new eyelash extensions that set her apart from the rest of her peers. 

Faux was the prime example of what the wonders of a fall break transformation can do, as her new lashes landed her a date with a barely-passing student, Ivan Indolent ’20. “For the past three and a half years, I barely noticed Fiona on campus,” Indolent said. “But something about her has made her so appealing recently.”

The new monthly upkeep of Faux’s false lashes is a small price to pay for the mediocre men that now find her irresistible. Her only regret, she reports, is not getting them sooner in her collegiate career. 

New side bangs have also yielded great results for Delanie Dated ’22, who has credited her complete transformation to her new face-framing look. Her side-swept hair has attracted the eyes of students on campus, while only exposing one of hers. 

Her new look provides a nostalgic early-2000s feel that proves this hairstyle is here to stay, even as the decade wraps up. 

The women on campus are not the only ones with fall break glow-ups, as some of the men are having their doors knocked down ever since bringing back a fresh collection of basketball jerseys from home. 

Olivia Optimistic ’23 expressed a great deal of appreciation for the new and improved wardrobe of the men she has encountered. 

“It’s so refreshing to see them wearing something different than the same old jerseys I saw recycled between them for the first two months of school,” Optimistic said. “Now, they’re all still in basketball jerseys, but at least it’s something different until Thanksgiving break.”

As these major changes have taken campus by storm, expectations are set sky-high for the return to campus after Thanksgiving break. Some faculty members have requested students find their first-year orientation name lanyards as a form of self-identification, as to ensure students are able to recognize each other post-transformation.