Drive-thru traffic leads to a Starbucks boycott

Amy Schlussler, Satire Co-Editor

There’s one thing all University students share in common: their love for overpriced Starbucks coffee. Although most students bank on their last few campus dollars to hold them over for the rest of the semester, there’s no hesitation when it comes to splurging on the line of holiday drinks that Starbucks has to offer. While most of the specialty drinks rack up the bill all too fast, the adrenaline rush that comes with ordering that freshly-prepared coffee is priceless.

With herds of Bison making their way to the local Starbucks, students have noticed an even longer wait time for their coffee. It was reported that Lily Late ’21 missed her Chemistry lab this past Monday after spending three hours waiting in the drive-thru line for her drink of choice.

“If only I had known how long I would’ve been in that drive-thru,” Late said. “I took my usual trek to Starbucks, eager to get my hands on a $6 Chestnut Praline Latte. It wasn’t until a car pulled up behind me that I realized it was too late. I wish I could say it was worth it, but as soon as I got my drink and left the drive-thru, I realized they gave me a Grande instead of a Venti.”

Another individual who had a similar experience wanted to share his story.

“When hour two passed, it seemed like there was no end in sight,” Post Pone ’20 said. “As I was becoming increasingly thirsty, hungry, and irritable, I decided to make the best of the situation. To pass the time, I DoorDashed Chipotle to my car and started the first Harry Potter audiobook. Before I knew it, my black coffee was ready!”

“We are in the process of doubling our staff in response to this unacceptable wait time,” Store Manager Elle Espresso said. “In the meantime, we suggest coming into the building to order your coffee. With drive-thru wait times pushing  three hours, in-house orders take at most three minutes.”

As students wait for Starbucks to figure out the problem on their end, students have decided to take matters into their own hands. Walmart has officially been cleaned out of their Keurigs, and K-Cups are few and far between. With the Starbucks boycott that has swept Lewisburg, Dunkin’ Donuts anticipates its best holiday season since the construction of the Starbucks just down the road. It is recommended that students avoid the Starbucks drive-thru line until wait times return to their usual two-hour duration.

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