Scheming your way to an A (or at least passing)

Bridgette Simpson, Staff Writer

The following constitutes a list of some suggestions for ways to convince your professors to boost your grade, although some of these may not be as effective as others:

  1. Try the regular stuff first: inquiring about your progress in the class, ask for ways to pick up some slack, and check to see if there are extra credit opportunities.
  2. Invite them out to coffee or to go to the caf with you.
  3. Offer to follow them around with their briefcase so they look super important and always in a rush. Bonus points for slamming the briefcase into students that skip this professor’s 8 a.m. lectures. 
  4. Offer to be their coat hanger — just stand at the front of the classroom during lectures and hold their coat while making no noise until the class is over. Bonus points for holding your arms out for the 52-minute duration like a real coat hanger. 
  5. Take care of the “class dog.”  If you don’t have one, bring one in. Golden retrievers are strongly preferred, but all dogs have demonstrated compelling data in relation to higher grades after said dog attends class. 
  6. Start having a meltdown when they won’t change your A- to an A (I really need you to stop saying an A- is unacceptable, STEM majors. You might upset the engineering majors). 
  7. This one’s for you, art majors! Spend hours and hours painting a hyperrealistic portrait of your professor and then tear it up when he or she says it doesn’t convey enough emotion. Why blue? Why not red? Why did you use so many curved lines? 
  8. Win their hearts by paying them. One-hundred dollar bills highly recommended. Under the table. Odds are they will like you after this step. 
  9.  Ask them for help in creating a time travel machine that you would use to go back in time to the beginning of the semester and just do the work the first time around. 
  10. Last, and certainly least at this point in the year, study so you aren’t forced to do any of these things in the first place!
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