University students recently noticed the campus Starbucks going against the social grain last week when customers were given plastic straws, despite promises to get rid of these turtle killers by 2020. Most people have been anything but quiet about the issue, with views from both sides of the political aisle stepping up to make their voices heard about their thoughts on this controversial issue.

Hannah Hypocrit ’20, president of the environmental club on campus, has threatened to take legal action against Starbucks for their actions, which she claims single-handedly ruined every effort she made on campus to get people to become more eco-friendly. “It’s like they don’t even understand the way their actions could be responsible for the lives of so many innocent animals,” Hypocrit, dressed in her Canada Goose jacket, said in an exclusive interview with The Bucknellian. 

Hypocrit is planning to lead a protest against Starbucks and hopes to replace it with a more sustainable option on campus that is three times the price and exploits its workers. 

While Hypocrit is quite displeased, people like Robert Republican ’21 are applauding Starbucks for their decision. “Honestly, I never really liked Starbucks, but now that they seem to have shut down the snowflake liberals, I will definitely be giving them my business,” Republican ’21 said. “It’s so refreshing to finally see a company standing up for the right-wing base in this country and on this campus after being discriminated against for so long.”

Other students who have refused to take a political side are ready for this madness to be settled. Amy Apathetic ’23 falls into that very category. “I don’t personally use plastic straws, but I also am not anti-plastic straw. Even though I think it’s wrong to use them, I will not tell other people that because it doesn’t really affect me,” Apathetic ’23 said. “I just wanted to get my coffee but all the entrances are blocked by supporters and protesters arguing with one another.”

The University representative for Starbucks has released a statement apologizing for the controversy. The statement also added they will not be getting rid of the plastic straws at the moment, but will instead hold a mandatory staff training on why distributing plastic straws is wrong and offensive.