Gateway stairs turn to Gateway chairs

Amy Schlussler, Satire Co-Editor

Do you find yourself exhausted after climbing the Gateway stairs, finding it nearly impossible to regain your breath? Do they seem to be getting harder, not easier? Have you become increasingly concerned about your respiratory health?

The Student Health Center recently expressed their worry with the alarmingly high number of inhalers they’ve doled out this semester, and they have decided it is finally time to address the problem.

After much consideration by the Board of Trustees, the University has decided to move forward with the installation of a ski lift to connect the Gateways to RTK. 

The Bucknellian spoke with a fifth-year student regarding this recent announcement.

“Those stairs have changed my life for the better,” Phil Send ’20 (hopefully) said. “You should’ve seen my calves before I lived in the Gateways. Embarrassing.” 

Send ’20 (hopefully) is one of the few who expresses his grief with the implementation of the ski lift. 

“Those stairs are the bane of my existence,” Beth Bum ’21 said. “It’s embarrassing walking into class after climbing those stairs. I always fill up my Hydroflask before my journey up the stairs. Last time I didn’t, I heard ringing in my ears for the following hour.”

Plans for construction are still in the early stages, but rumor has it that the ski lift will run on a shuttle schedule, which can be tracked on the University app. The ski lift will be making its rounds up and down the stairs every 15 minutes, allowing students plenty of time to stroll into class a few minutes late. Each trip will be charged to B-Bill, with the prices still undecided.

The year 2020 is all about options, which is why these stairs will be a great addition for future students. The stairs will still be an option for athletes who hope to keep their lung capacity in tip-top shape. For the lazy or hungover students, the ski lift will now happily carry those students up the stairs.

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