Conspiracy theories: Rainn Wilson flakes

Nick DeMarchis, Senior Writer

The entire university waited with bated breath to herald the arrival of the eternal star of “The Office,” Rainn Wilson. Famously acclaimed for portraying Dwight on the NBC show, his mysterious postponement made waves through the Lewisburg community. Some have come to speculate that there may be ulterior motives deeper than just “scheduling conflicts.”

Groups on campus have convened to discuss the changes and theorize as to why they have happened. One student noticed that the Weis Center for the Performing Arts had a single bottle of water on a stool around the expected time of the performance.

“Maybe he saw how ugly the campus was and left,” Ned Negative ’20 said. Another student thought that Lewisburg might be too reminiscent of Scranton (even though the show was shot in California), specifically the fact that there are no Chili’s restaurants nearby.

Although, the prevailing theory at this time tends to be the most troubling. A group of students led by Brian Flattair ’21 has been theorizing that this University won’t be around long.

“Rainn Wilson is my god,” Flattair said. “The fact that he didn’t reschedule a time to come means something fishy is going on at the University.”

Flattair leads a group of passionate students who state that the University is being shut down soon.

“We don’t know how or why. Maybe a few too many people stepped on the seal, but we won’t be here for long.” When asked to explain the reasoning for the demise of the 150+ year old institution that they pay unimaginable sums of money to keep afloat, the group said, “That’s not our problem.”

University students are notorious for having a flair for the dramatic, but this officially marks a new low. Until Rainn Wilson’s arrival, the reader should anticipate an influx of University of Lewisburg gear in the bookstore, as it has been expected that the University is going to return to its former grandeur.

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