The weekly student newspaper of Bucknell University

The Bucknellian

#RoachesHaveRights campaign divides Trax Hall

Alexis Brito, Contributing Writer
December 1, 2016
Filed under Satire

The discovery of two cockroaches in Trax Hall has outraged residents causing some to go as far as to contact private exterminators. “My father was not happy when he found out I was living in a cockroach infested building. He hired a private exterminator—a specialist, if you will—to come...

First-year hall remains friends despite having nothing in common

Amanda Relick, Staff Writer
December 1, 2016
Filed under Satire

As the fall semester winds down, first-year halls across campus are descending into crisis. It’s the time of year when first-years look around at their hallmates and realize they actually have nothing in common. Yes, these are the people they have been clinging to in an effort to have someone to...

University senior given award for outstanding bravery

Olivia Lawlor, Staff Writer
December 1, 2016
Filed under Satire

Casey Coleman ’17 was awarded the University’s Outstanding Bravery Award for displaying consistent courage on campus. From the start of her time at the University, Coleman has been a true pioneer. As a first-year, Coleman never ate in the caf. Instead, she chose to take her meals in the Bison, amo...

The List: Google search history of a college senior

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor
December 1, 2016
Filed under Satire, The List

How to get a job Is it possible to take too much Advil? What does it mean if my pee is really yellow? What is “wealth management?” Do giraffes sleep standing up? Can you die from a hangover? Is it weird to want to be alone all the time? How long is too l...

Students who dress up for 8ams ridiculed but still get the last laugh

Samantha Nolle, Contributing Writer
November 17, 2016
Filed under Satire

Arriving to her 8 a.m. sociology class in black heels and a semi-formal dress, F. Ort ’17 received incredulous stares from her sleep deprived, sweatshirt wearing classmates early on the morning of Nov. 15.  She grabbed her usual seat next to Al L. Nighter ’17, dressed in a full tuxedo. Sources conf...

Young Love: If love quotes were written in college

Madeleine Silva, Web Managing Editor
November 17, 2016
Filed under Satire, Young Love

“There is no remedy for love, but to  love more deny that you are in love.” –Henry David Thoreau “You are the finest, loveliest, tenderest, and most beautiful person I have ever known-and even that is an understatement a freshman.” –F. Scott Fitzgerald “Sometimes you will never know the value...

University to replace Rooke Chapel bells with S’well water bottles

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor
November 17, 2016
Filed under Satire

After beginning construction on Rooke Chapel’s steeple, the University has decided to replace the building’s historic bells with empty S’well water bottles in an act of modernization. “Have you ever been in the library when a student knocks over one of those water bottles? The sound reverb...

Lack of holiday drinks at the library café causes students to question whether it’s actually fall

Lack of holiday drinks at the library café causes students to question whether it’s actually fall

Olivia Lawlor, Staff Writer
November 17, 2016
Filed under Satire, Top Stories, Top Stories

Although the semester is nearly over, students who frequent Bertrand Library have reported that they have completely forgotten about the existence of the fall season due to the lack of holiday drinks, such as the Starbucks classic Salted Caramel Apple Gingerbread Pumpkin Latte (SCAGPL) with eggnog whipped...

Student arrested after trying to bring Tupperware to Cafsgiving

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor
November 17, 2016
Filed under Satire

After skipping all of her classes and waiting in line for close to an hour, Barb Bostwick ’17 entered the Caf, her eyes wide with delight. She piled her plate high, filling it with turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, sweet potatoes, and green beans. Perhaps a bit overzealous to the casual onloo...

The List: Discussion topics for Thanksgiving dinner

Madeline Diamond and Courtney Wren
November 17, 2016
Filed under Satire, The List

The presidential election The fact that Vanna White and Pat Sajak from “Wheel of Fortune” still haven’t gotten married 24,000+ piece puzzles Recreational drug use Religion and its inclusivity Billy Joel’s ability to still tour at the age of 67 T...

Trump panics upon realizing he actually has to run the country

Madeline Diamond and Courtney Wren, Senior Editor and Satire Editor
November 11, 2016
Filed under Satire

The glamour of the approximately 17-month-long campaign has faded and it has recently become apparent to president-elect Donald Trump that he will actually have to run the United States. So much of Trump’s focus has been on winning the presidency that the actual responsibilities of the job have...

The List: Donald Trump’s post-election to-do list

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor
November 11, 2016
Filed under Satire, The List

1. Move out of Trump Tower and New York. 2. Actually learn about foreign and domestic policy. 3. Not grab women by the p*ssy. 4. Pay women not to talk about how he grabbed them by the p*ssy. 5. Learn how to say the word “huge” correctly. 6. Find the right pen to fit into his tiny hands to ...

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