The Bucknellian

First-year student, fresh off a gap year, wishes you kids would keep all that noise down

Jeff Klebauskas, Contributing Writer

April 12, 2018


Filed under Satire

Twenty-year-old first year student, Noah Severson, further separated himself from his peers this weekend by cinching up his bathrobe, laying down his textured briar tobacco pipe, and calling campus security on his hallmates for disregarding the 11 p.m. sound ordnance in Swartz Hall. Adjusting to...

Songs to remember the ‘Burg after graduation

Amy Schlussler, Contributing Writer

April 12, 2018


Filed under Satire

This time of year can be extremely emotional for those set to enter the “real world” once the semester comes to a close. The four, sometimes five, years spent at the University are filled with countless hours spent at Walmart, an ungodly amount of money blown at Chipotle, and a number of days and...

China includes ‘White Privilege’ among new tariffs imposed on U.S.

China includes ‘White Privilege’ among new tariffs imposed on U.S.

Jon Meier, Satire Editor

April 5, 2018


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

In retaliation to the steel and aluminum tariffs that the United States has imposed to presumably target the country, China has retaliated by imposing tariffs on a list of products imported from the United States. The list of products specified crucial U.S. exports such as soybeans, cars, and chemicals, as...

The List: Thoughts high schoolers have on admitted students day

Jon Meier, Satire Editor

April 5, 2018


Filed under Satire

  Wow, that’s a lot of BMWs. This tour guide is definitely hungover. Why are there so many blonde people that go here? Are Bean boots a fashion statement or a functional thing? [At the cafeteria] The guy in the Yankees jersey just threw up in his cereal. It must be pretty easy to get s...

Shrek 2 is the best Shrek movie and you can’t change my mind

Shrek 2 is the best Shrek movie and you can’t change my mind

Michael Driesen, Contributing Writer

April 5, 2018


Filed under Satire

^See title.

‘Two Friends’ seek a third friend

‘Two Friends’ seek a third friend

Bridget Beljan and Amy Schlussler

April 5, 2018


Filed under Satire

Two Friends, the popular electronic duo, released their latest Big Bootie Remix, Volume 13, on April, 4. After playing their hour-long hit on Facebook livestream the night before, many University students refrained from attending their morning classes in anticipation of the SoundCloud release.   Up...

Trump invites leaders of China and North Korea to play squads on Fortnite

Trump invites leaders of China and North Korea to play squads on Fortnite

Jon Meier, Satire Editor

March 29, 2018


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

President Donald Trump tweeted on March 28 about the United States’ foreign policy in the face of strengthening relations between North Korea and China. This week, President Xi Jingping and Kim Jong-un were seen publicly in Beijing, posing for photo ops and announcing a newly fortified relationship...

University’s annual Harry Potter Weekend tradition a huge success

Faith Breen, Staff Writer

March 29, 2018


Filed under Satire

The University celebrated its annual Harry Potter Weekend (HPW) extravaganza this past weekend. In this show of appreciation for the literary works written by J.K. Rowling, students across campus spent the weekend honoring Harry, Ron, and Hermione in any way they could. “HPW is a time for students...

Fraternity star realizes he has a month left of school, enters existential crisis

Fraternity star realizes he has a month left of school, enters existential crisis

Bridget Beljan, Contributing Writer

March 29, 2018


Filed under Satire

With the ides of March having passed and the beginning of April rapidly approaching, Broc Send ’18, came to the realization that he will be leaving the University this coming May. In the face of this epiphany, Send entered a deep depression, locking himself in his room and listening to “Mr. Brightside”...

Inebriated student files missing person report on himself

Jeff Klebauskas, Contributing Writer

March 29, 2018


Filed under Satire

After ingesting a borderline poisonous cocktail of weed gummy bears, hallucinogens and cheap beer over the weekend, a University student experienced the stress of filing a missing person report on one of his friends, who turned out to be himself. The student — whose complete identity will be w...

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