Outdoor classes leave learning at the door

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

In light of social distancing measures loosely enforced by the University, some faculty members are opting to move their classes outside so the spread of the novel coronavirus can be achieved while looking at passing squirrels on campus.

While this scenic change was pitched as a way to give students the illusion of safety precautions, professors have an ulterior motive. “Outdoor classes are one of the newest ways to show the administration we’re showing up for class without providing our students with any substantial knowledge,” Professor Samuel Shyster, a tenured employee, said.

When asked to elaborate on this idea, Visiting Professor Clara Conniving brought some interesting points to the picnic table she uses for her classes. “We spend up to 80% of the class either being interrupted by passing traffic, repeating what we have already said, or debating whether we need to be wearing masks in this setting,” Conniving said. “By the time we have to even begin thinking about teaching assigned material, half of the class has gotten a sunburn and left anyway.”

In other words, Shyster and Conniving are thrilled to have their classes outside because it significantly cuts down on their course planning and overall mental exertion.

When asked why they are laying all their cards on the table, Shyster explained, in between the sounds of honking coming from student drivers, that it is nearly impossible to be let go from a job at the University, as literally no one is looking to take up teaching in the midst of a pandemic. “I used to joke that after I became tenured, I’d have to kill one of my students in order to get fired,” Shyster said. “Now we’ve brought them all back in the middle of a global health crisis, so I don’t even think that would get me fired anymore.”

Wendy Worry ’21 is thrilled by the change in scenery, as she is concerned about her time left. “I felt like I had to come back, but now I’m scared to see if any of us will make it through the semester,” Worry said. “If our time comes, I’m glad my last days here won’t be spent in one of those buildings.”

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