Flying Bison drives students into motion

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

After much deliberation and wasted liquid cheese, the Flying Bison will begin serving late-night snacks to any first-year with a pulse.

Because of University social distancing guidelines, the Flyson is only allowing a small number of students in the parking lot at a time. Now that students are socially and nutritionally deprived, many are planning on becoming creative with their tactics to ensure they get overpriced food that is actually edible.

Earl Eager ’24 is among the first to secure his spot in the Flyson line for the upcoming weekend. Eager has already pitched a tent next to the Smith Hall parking lot and is patiently awaiting the arrival of the University-sponsored food truck. He is loaded with all the weekend essentials, including a case of warm Natural Light, $500 in campus dollars and, of course, a University pop-up chair.

While Eager is already salivating over the thought of lukewarm tater tots, other students are following suit for personal gain. Sam Shady ’24 explained that they will be buying out Flyson’s inventory and increasing the prices for his peers in order to secure a spot in the price gouging market. “It doesn’t seem fair that the University has a monopoly on upcharging students,” Shady said. “If it has to happen, I want to be in on it.”

Other students expressed confusion about the excitement surrounding the comeback of the Flyson. Clara Clueless ’23 explains to reporters that she remembers the food from the Flyson as being significantly better last year. When asked to detail the differences in the food quality, Clueless explained that “there was just something about coming home after being on St. Catherine’s and grabbing some late-night Flyson. I don’t know what it could be, but that just seems to have made it so much better.”

Whether you are planning on attending the Flyson this weekend, whether it be for personal indulgence, capitalistic schemes or pure nostalgia, make sure to get it removed again by Monday through lack of social distancing like before.

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