Working out when nothing else is

Working+out+when+nothing+else+is

Graphic by Alex Iannone

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

A recent University poll showed that quarantine has left many students feeling out of shape. An unrelated poll showed that University students have watched an average of seven seasons of any given television series a week over the quarantine period. Thankfully, some University students provided insight into the best ways to get in a good workout without entering a coronavirus cesspool, also known as the University fitness center.

Annie Anxiety ’21 successfully gets her heart rate up for at least 60 minutes a day by thinking about the impending doom of the world. When explaining an outline of her routine, Anxiety told reporters, “I begin the day by doing some homework for my Zoom classes that I’m ultimately teaching myself, which is a nice warm-up to get the blood pumping. Then I start to think about how unclear it is when – or if things will ever be normal again, and really hit my stride when the impending dread of complete societal collapse sets in. By the time I’m cooling down and acknowledging the inherent absurdity and meaninglessness of life, I’ve averaged a heart rate of about 200 beats per minute.”

But Anxiety’s approach isn’t for everyone. Instead, Wendy Worrier ’21 likes to take a leisurely stroll around her single dorm room to burn some calories. “I frantically pace around my room for about four hours a day, so only when I think about the fact that I will be graduating in a few months when the world will still be in shambles, and even find myself doing so in the middle of the night sometimes, too,” Worrier said. “That’s when I break out what I like to call the ‘extended pace.’”

While some students like to do some cardio to get back in shape, others, like Em Path ’24, take up weight training to get the job done. “Every time I read the news and see all the terrible things happening in the world, I just put the weight of the world on my shoulders,” Path said. “It works my targeted muscle groups so well that it’s nearly impossible to get out of bed every morning.”

All these students take a different approach to getting back to their peak physical performance, but they all appear to be thriving. Clearly the only health aspect of these students that has been hit after a global pandemic is physical.

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