Universal voter types on an apolitical campus

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

As the election nears, a wide variety of voters are coming to the forefront of political discussions. The Bucknellian was thrilled to secure interviews with students who attend the least diverse and most apolitical campus ever to exist.

Patrick Pompous ’21 plans to vote third-party in the November election, bringing it up every possible chance he gets. “While it may be true that my life and the lives of minority groups I pretend to — er, do — care about are considerably worse since 2016, I can’t, in good conscience, vote for anyone who doesn’t support murdering every billionaire as their first action in office,” Pompous said. Pompous’s morally-superior, holier-than-thou attitude when discussing politics has deterred every person with whom he has ever interacted from voting altogether.

Bianca Brainwashed ’23, on the other hand, is excitedly voting for U.S. President Donald Trump again this year. When asked what is a deciding factor in her decision, Brainwashed explained that the election is a personal financial issue for her. “I just cannot begin to stand the thought of some communist like Joe Biden coming in and taking all my money,” Bianca, who works at a frozen yogurt shop for minimum wage, said.

While Brainwashed is an avid supporter of Trump, Maddie Moderate ’22 plans on voting for his opposition in just a few weeks. Moderate, who sees herself as a political activist and radical leftist, is most excited about Biden’s “super progressive healthcare plan.” Moderate went on to add that she is “excited to see another straight, cisgender, white man in the White House again, but this time accompanied by a woman of color.”

Even though Pompous, Brainwashed and Moderate all bring “points” — technically speaking — to the table, Cyrus Cynical ’21 remains unconvinced. Rather than giving interviewers the name of the person for whom he plans to vote, Cynical went on a 20-minute rant about the dangers of government. “Voting is just another way the government controls you, man,” Cyrus said. “Giving everyone a choice doesn’t give anyone a choice.”

Hopefully all of these students follow in the footsteps of Cynical and forget to vote on Nov. 3, or at least become significantly more knowledgeable on each candidate before they do so.

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