University takes note of Lewisburg penitentiary culture

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

New travel restrictions have been put in place by the University in light of students partaking in dangerous activities that put the health of the community at risk, like getting groceries and going for walks. This, of course, still allows students to congregate in large groups on campus, but under the watchful eye of University Public Safety. Following the University’s newly implemented strict travel regulations, students are already clamoring to figure out ways to skirt around the policy.

Seth Sneaky ’24, already uptaking rebellious habits in his first few months of college, has foiled the University’s plan to track him by leaving his phone at home. After discovering a brief mention of a new University policy that will track students through their cell phones, a message that is conveniently hidden within a 75-page packet on campus protocols, Sneaky has purchased a supply of 200 burner phones. Thankfully for the University, Tracfone just became their top donor.

Hannah Hidden ’22 took it a step further and decided to disguise herself whenever she goes to get groceries. “You just never know if you’re going to run into someone you know and then — BAM! — the dean kicks you off campus, just like that,” she said. Hidden likes to hide behind a pair of glasses and ponytail, going for the classic girl-next-door-who-doesn’t-know-she’s-attractive look.

While Sneaky and Hidden are careful about concealing their whereabouts, Colleen Careless ’23 has thrown caution to the wind, which ultimately led to her downfall. Careless assumed the University was bluffing with their new protocol, but when she was caught at a Whole Foods three miles off-campus, campus officials made her wish she had gotten cafeteria food instead. Careless was detained the afternoon of Sept. 21 and has not been seen since, but it has been rumored the University placed her in an administrative segregation unit for what officials have said will be an “eight-day quarantine.”

In order to prevent others from bringing a virus onto campus, the University has also installed watchtowers, increased campus patrol and a mail screening system that thoroughly examines all parcels before giving them to the residents.

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