Presidential debate presents promising options

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

Last week, the world watched as two emotionally and intellectually stunted adults had a competition to see who could insult the other the most in a seemingly never-ending 90 minutes. That’s right, the presidential debate was on Sept. 29, and it was exactly what we expected: a dumpster fire. 

On the one hand, we currently have a president who made fun of his opponent for wearing a mask in the midst of a pandemic, refused to denounce white supremacists and denies climate change is a legitimate problem when the world is up in flames. On the other hand, former Vice President Joe Biden allegedly hates football, a cornerstone of American democracy. It’s definitely going to be a tough decision for many on Nov. 3. 

Though Fox News anchor Chris Wallace was there to moderate, he quickly crawled underneath his desk and breaking down into tears as the President of the United States talked over him. The political system seems to be doing well.

Though the logistics of the debate were a little rough, some very good points were made. U.S. President Donald Trump made the assertion that the California forest fires are, indeed, caused and exacerbated by fallen leaves in the forest, which led him to sign an executive order that sent all highly educated climate scientists to pick up leaves from the forest floor. Luckily Trump is the inventor of jobs, or else they would have been stuck with useless degrees hanging on office walls.

But don’t let the mainstream media fool you; Biden had a point of the night, too. Biden’s suggestion for Trump to “just shut up, man,” quickly took the internet by storm. University polls show that this witty zinger has caused Biden’s ratings to skyrocket, as it is the first thing he has said throughout his entire campaign to which any American can relate. Natalie Naive ’21 was especially persuaded by this. “So when Biden pushes back against a white supremacist, it pretty much erases his past racially problematic policies,” Naive said. “It cancels out, like PEMDAS.”

Overall, if the debate showed us anything, this election will pretty much match the status quo, leaving little reason to worry. As always, we can expect to see racism, sexual predators and, of course, straight white men on the ballot yet again this November.

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