University students tackle quarantine part two

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

University students recently got some of the worst news they have received all year: an even longer winter break.

Students will now be stuck at home for 10 weeks, and the news has left many scrambling to figure out what they will do when the inevitable second wave of the coronavirus hits. Luckily, some students seem to have it all figured out.

When asked how he will be spending the long retreat from school, Drew Driven ’22 optimistically told reporters that he is taking the time to “focus on himself.” Like many at the beginning of quarantine in March, Driven vowed to use the time to work out, become well-read and start a new passion project. Also like many others, Driven came out of quarantine in poor physical shape, but is now a  Netflix docuseries aficionado. This time will be different, or so he claims. 

In order to make some extra money, Clara Cunning ’23 plans to use Driven’s naivety to her advantage. Cunning plans to start a betting ring that focuses on which students will come back to campus with focaccia bread and scholarships, and which will return with an empty bank account and a Showtime subscription. Sorry, Driven, but your odds aren’t looking so good right now.

Even though Driven and Cunning’s outlooks seem to be the first step in yielding positive results, Renee Realist ’21 has decided to acknowledge upfront that her stay at home will likely be a little bleak. “If it’s anything like the spring, I’ll be watching all my friends hang out during the entire time I’m home because ‘the virus isn’t real.’ This time is a little special, though, because it’ll get dark at 4 p.m. so I can more easily justify being miserable for most of the day,” Realist said. At least she found a little bit of a bright side.

No matter how you plan to spend your time home, be prepared for all the family walks and continued politicization of the virus. In the meantime, be sure to stock up on injecting bleach and toilet paper, but don’t worry about packing up your room, because we’ll be back at the University in the spring — even if there is an apocalypse

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