Zoom zaturdays?

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

Super Saturdays have turned super boring since the beginning of the pandemic. In the face of mixed reviews from partygoers, University students have decided to move their weekly gatherings to a Zoom event, which has definitely created a different feeling.

Sandra Sorority ’22 told reporters she is actually a fan of the change. “I don’t have to worry about having my new Golden Gooses dirtied where they’re not supposed to be,” she said. Now Sorority can comfortably wear her shoes — requiring only a small loan to finance fully — in the privacy of her dorm.

Fiona Freshman ’24, however, is less than thrilled about Zoom Supers. “Right before moving in, I bought, like, eight fuzzy faux-fur jackets,” Freshman complained to reporters. “How was I supposed to know Supers wouldn’t happen during a pandemic?” Fiona now cozies up in her room with her cheetah print coat in hopes that some guy in Sigma Apple Pie will recognize her impeccable fashion sense on the Zoom call. Sorry, Freshman — maybe next year, but probably not at all.

The women on the University’s campus are not the only ones with mixed emotions about the recent change. Of course, this has proved to be a dramatic switch for fraternity life, and many of the men are struggling to find an appropriate coping mechanism.

Chad ’21 is one of the many University men who would likely benefit greatly from a trip to the Counseling Center. “I wake up every Saturday hoping it was all a bad dream, and then I remember there are no more day drinks with the boys. If I had known last semester that it would be the last time we would drink Claws and smoke cigs on the porch together at 11 in the morning, I would have enjoyed it a little more.” When asked what he does now in lieu of his normal Saturday tradition, he informed reporters he has continued his usual routine, but alone this time.

No matter what, the spirit of Super Saturdays will live on, even if it is virtual.

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