No debate? No problem

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

Instead of having three presidential debates as originally planned, our current Commander in Chief decided that it would be a waste of time to have one last week. This can put those who are still somehow undecided about who to cast their vote for in quite the predicament. How will they know which conservative is best this time around?

Do not fear, your friendly University reporters are here. We have interviewed several undecided voters across campus to bring you some of the best ways you can still determine your political standing, sans debate. 

Frank Follower ’23 feels as though he has come up with the perfect solution to help him stay informed. “Every day, I go on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, and I just see what my relatives are sharing,” Follower said. “From what I have gathered, Democrats want to kill all the babies, but Republicans are trying to instill a fascist regime that will end with world domination. I’m still undecided, but I think pretty soon one of the sides will give in compromise and I’ll finally see the truth.”

But I know what you’re thinking. You don’t want your crazy uncle deciding who you vote for based on the outlandish content he retweets. That’s why Isme Indecisive ’22 is getting the input of a wide variety of voices to help her make her decision. Based on her latest Instagram poll, the results are causing her to lean more towards Trump, but Biden is expected to see a last-minute surge in the coming hours, a trend that will leave right-wing voters calling the Instagram poll a “hoax” and “fraudulent.” In the event that there is a tie, Indecisive says she plans on flipping a coin to decide.

Nolan Knowledge ’24 thought about going about it the old-fashioned way and reading up on each candidate, but he quickly became frustrated. Knowledge refused to tell reporters which candidate he plans to support but said that when he went to the media looking for positive reinforcement about his decision, he could only find unfavorable media. Instead of taking that as a sign, Knowledge has now doubled down and refused to believe any besides self-serving, overtly biased sources. Good plan, Knowledge.

If you or a loved one are looking for a place to get information, feel free to check out Vote411.org, or use one of the very effective aforementioned tactics.

(Visited 3 times, 1 visits today)