Campus squirrels concocting covert plan

Campus+squirrels+concocting+covert+plan

Graphic by Alex Iannone

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

Some of the campus’s most valued members, the half-domesticated squirrels, are feeling betrayed by the imminent mass exodus of students from the University.

Reporters for The Bucknellian tried to gauge how the little critters will be blowing off steam over the 10-week break, but this was sadly to no avail. When approached by our team’s staff, the squirrels scurried away and completely avoided the barrage of questions. Top experts say that this is likely due to the fact that squirrels are feeling slighted by the lack of interaction between squirrels and students this semester.

Ever since new COVID-19 restrictions were put in place, the campus squirrels have been forced to go back to their roots of eating acorns instead of the beloved nacho tot scraps from the dumpsters outside first-year dorms. This, of course, is to no fault of the first-year students, who would love nothing more than to pay the hourly wage of a campus cafe worker for some lukewarm tater tots, but alas, such privileges are no longer granted. 

As tragic as this is for the first-years, the real victims here are the campus squirrels. The gift of chemical-filled platters served in grease-soaked paper containers have been bestowed upon them since the release of David Guetta’s “Titanium” featuring Sia, making them all but bulletproof to nearly everything due to their heightened immunities. What they have not developed, however, is the same language as humans, leaving them sad and confused about why they are left without their main food source.

So, what happens now?

Top secret intel has indicated that the squirrels are planning to take back the campus. While their exact tactics are unclear, anonymous sources tell reporters that it involves sharp twigs and a lot of burrowing. So, so much burrowing. By the time students return to campus — if ever — they will be welcomed by a whole new world in which the squirrels will no longer be disrespected. 

Campus officials are warning students that in addition to a COVID-19 care kit, they should also come prepared to ward off any unwanted furry creatures seeking vengeance.

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