Late-night political texts

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

You spent the past four years arguing with your great uncle about why it’s bad to hate gay people. You told your grandma we definitely do not say “colored” anymore and it absolutely did not stick. You asked your estranged cousin why she hates feminists so much when they literally gave her the right to vote. It all came down to this week.

But you know what the real test is? Sitting across from those very same people at Thanksgiving at the end of the month. Remember when your grandpa said your same-sex relationship would never be acknowledged by the family and will give you a one-way, express ticket straight to Hell? Well, you better push that aside unless you plan on going the rest of the meal without asking him to pass the cranberry sauce.

Fortunately, experts now say that political thoughts are equivalent to drunk words. Your family, friends and colleagues only felt comfortable being racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, islamophobic dirtbags because they were intoxicated by the power of their favored politician. But have no fear. Just like the way your ex called and said they were still in love with you whilst under the influence, those you hold nearest and dearest to your heart will say you are crazy, sensitive and overly emotional when you push them on their words after the fact.

Well, now that they will hopefully no longer be emboldened by a certain politician, we get to just lock those words away until another presidential administration that encourages unspeakable behavior, just like your friends do on a wine night when you’re all feeling a little too bold. Thankfully, there is no evidence to delete that reminds you of the scene of the atrocity, just scarring memories of your closest companion’s lack of compassion for, well, all of the people that don’t look like Matthew McConaughey.

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