Breaking: Guy who gets zero playing-time furious about postponement of spring sports

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

As the pandemic rages into its second year and disrupts every plan in its path, all student athletes must feel personally attacked by the prospect of even a single game being cancelled or postponed.

One player in particular – Noah Good ’21, member of the University baseball team – is extremely frustrated and has been particularly vocal about his feelings, despite getting absolutely zero playtime.

“This is an absolutely disgusting display of bureaucratic overreach,” Good, also a certified mansplainer and multifaceted “Renaissance man,” explained to reporters. “My boys and I need to [play base]ball to live, and I can’t even, like, know what it will be like if we go a weekend without it. What will give us the motivation to rage?”

Good’s striking athletic career has featured exactly three minutes of playing time, making him a perennial asset to the team’s bench. Thankfully his spot has been secured by his great contribution to boosting team morale, as well as his father-son relationship with the head coach. 

Unfortunately, some of Good’s teammates fail to relate to his disappointment and rage, despite his willingness to speak on their behalf regarding the issue. 

Star player and captain of the team Phin Omenal ’21 understands if cancellation is the course the season must take in response to a potential COVID-19 outbreak. “Sometimes I wish they would just decide to do it now so I could let go of the constant pressure weighing me down to keep this team alive.” The University baseball team had a record of 1-16. Other teams ceased extending an invitation in order to save face from being seen associated with their subpar display of athleticism.

All in all, the Bucknellian hopes the University makes the choice that is best for the team while simultaneously providing a platform for Good to express his unsolicited opinions on the matter.

Be sure to check out the University baseball roster to identify Good — if you are unable to get a clear view of the dugout.

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