Professors angry about reduction in COVID cases

Maximus Bean, Staff Writer

Professors, Irises, and other people with pupils are protesting the newest in-person allowances set by the University. Many are concerned not just with the wording of the latest email (“You didn’t even need to be stuck inside the whole time lol jk, it was just a social experiment”), but also how the newest strain of COVID-19 will square against students who just want to have a good time — with its underage drinking and rampant coughing. Classes, classrooms and those who inhabit them have another issue altogether.

Professors, on the other hand, are overcome with annoyance regarding the newfound requirement to drive all the way to campus in order to teach. Under normal (pandemic) conditions, they could just sit around in pajamas all day and issue homework and assignments online. Now, however, it’s clear that a “new normal” is afoot, and some professors aren’t having it. Frustrated by the dreadful 10-minute commutes, some teachers have resorted to protest and acts of civil disobedience. Of these teachers, there are a few who have chosen to keep their standard online class regardless of student opinion. Others have indeed gone to their respective classes, but have found ways to circumvent the rules and regulations.  Examples of such delinquency are described below, after a short trigger warning.

One side note I have, of course, is that I totally condemn the actions taken, and thus wish to communicate their tragic nature to you, the reader, in warning you of what may come. For these purposes alone, I will omit the names of these particular teachers for the safety of them and their students. We must ask ourselves in these troubled times whether it is justified to risk the safety of some for the safety of all, and I have no clear answer on it. I can only address what has been reported to me to be factually accurate from an anonymous source. Have caution — this is your last warning to turn away now, or else an empty pit of despair will form in your heart, rendering you numb to the rest of life’s pleasantries in the face of this treasonous behavior.

Within these so-called “rebellious classes,” the professors allowed their students into class without wearing any masks. It is truly tragic that I am to report this, however I am a journalist above all else, and integrity is my strength — right behind my ability to lie without blinking. It was also reported that a fraction of these teachers, recalcitrant as they might be, went so far as to put their students in groups for supposed “discussions” on topics they had read about for class. Obviously, this was a ploy meant to circulate the dreaded COVID-19 and return things to their former squalor. I understand that this is as hard to read for you as it was for me. I nearly cried when I was first notified. Alas! The truth may sometimes punish a man to the depths of his soul. I can only wish for such matters to be settled without human lives being put on the line.

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