Tragic: Students “de-commit” after actually visiting University

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

LEWISBURG, PA – The University’s Admissions Office finally recognized a fatal miscalculation upon seeing applications pulled after students visit campus. This trend comes after the University began allowing those accepted and committed to the Class of 2025 to take tours of campus. Most of those previously committed students had made this agreement prior to ever seeing where they would spend the next four years, and were subsequently disgusted by their decision. 

While those interested were able to engage in a virtual tour of the campus from the comforts of their lavish living rooms, some say nothing could have prepared them for what was in store upon actually arriving on campus. Prospective student Richard Kidd recounted the hellish experience to reporters; with a shaky voice, he explained that “I have never smelled anything like it. I thought I was standing in a sewage plant. I became physically ill to the point that just thinking about going back there makes me sick.” The sensory overload Kidd experienced was caused by the earthy smell of the rural town surrounding campus, which proves to be a charming feature when you get used to it, but which did not come up upon his research of the institution.

Kidd was not alone in his experience; students also recalled other off-putting qualities that led them to start thinking absurdities like “Lehigh might actually be fun after all.” Reports show some students were astounded by the social and political climate upon entering the campus. The diversity numbers at the University are stunningly low on the website, but they had no idea it would be matched with confederate license plates upon leaving campus and “Don’t Tread on Me” flags decorating every man’s dormitory. 

The University has declined to release a statement on the reduced commitments, but sources close to top campus officials say there are rumors of Public Safety being instructed to turn a blind eye to downtown parties in order to save the University’s sole lasting appeal to prospective students.

In order to maintain a higher retention rate of committed students, the University has implemented a hefty down payment upon acceptance and GPS ankle monitors for those considering fleeing the country.

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