That girl you hate posted on Instagram – here’s what to comment

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

It’s happened before, but it never gets any easier. You innocently look through your Instagram feed, past the woke text-posts and tone-deaf darty photos, until you inevitably stumble across the hellish capture of one merciless post: the girl you can’t stand, but who shares mutual friends with you, uploaded a selfie to the World Wide Web.

Your brain short-circuits as you try to think of something to say. Not too nice where you could ever be accused of being two-faced, but the pressure to say something weighs on you as you think about the awkwardness the next pregame would be in the wake of your comment’s absence. But fear not! This age-old problem has existed since the beginning of Instagram, and will persist until its demise, so we have developed some seamless options for your next predicament:

“You are so brave!”

We love bravery! Superhero movies? Always a hit. The bravery stemming from the act of posting a photo of oneself may be… unorthodox, but it is bravery nonetheless, and no one can fault you for giving a compliment.

“You have the craziest personality!”

You probably don’t like her because of her personality, and odds are crazy could fit the bill. No lies, no fake compliments — just the truth dressed up with some exclamation points. We are speaking our mind in a way that is tailored to the good of how others perceive us in 2021.

“Aww, that shirt reminds me of my grandma”

And who doesn’t love their grandma? She’s kind, loving, and makes great food. She has zero fashion sense, but all the other qualities are great, and people will see that portrayed in your kind words.

Emojis

These little emotion icons have captured the cliché often spoken and rarely followed: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all (the person who started that clearly never heard any good gossip). Regardless, the sentiment is admirable, which makes these tiny faces the perfect option. I would suggest the one that looks like its eyes are going to pop out of its head. That could either be taken as “OMG, you’re so pretty I literally can’t believe my eyes” or, and more truthfully, capturing the look on your face when you realized you must go another day pretending to be a good person.

These comments have proven to have a 37 percent success rate, which is phenomenal in comparison to the abysmal results seen from actually speaking your mind. Don’t forget that social media is for showing the world the fakest, best version of yourself.

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