Taylor Swift’s re-released album sparks nationwide breakups

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

Following Taylor Swift’s re-release of her second album “Fearless (Taylor’s Version)”, women in their twenties have abruptly left their significant others to fully immerse themselves in the heartbreak outlined through Swift’s lyrics.

Something about trading out a juice box for a glass of wine while screaming “You’re Not Sorry (Taylor’s Version)” is super satisfying. The only thing missing is the shattered heart to seal the deal, but if Swift can re-record all of her albums as a huge “screw you” to her old record company, fans decided they can take one for the team and get out of their long term relationships to honor Swift and her art. However, other Swifties were persuaded in the process of re-experiencing Swift’s art.

“After listening to ‘That’s the Way I Loved You (Taylor’s Version)’ for the first time, I realized my current boyfriend is actually the most bland, boring person I have ever met,” Shay Low ’21 said. “I need just a little toxicity in my life, which I didn’t understand when I was 11. My most tumultuous relationship was when I was in middle school when my ex-boyfriend came crawling back in seventh grade after dumping me the year prior right before the sixth grade formal.” 

Low seems like she’s maybe still not completely over that one, but Dee Pressing ’22 is definitely in need of some therapy over her high school heartbreak. 

“Taylor said I’ll do things greater than dating the boy on the football team back when I was 15 years old, but I really haven’t if we’re being honest,” Pressing said. “But the only thing worse than reliving my  lost love with the high school quarterback is currently dating someone who was a mediocre running back in high school who ‘should have gone D1.’ So yeah, I guess you could say ‘Fifteen (Taylor’s Version)’ changed my life.”

Over 70% of those doing the breaking up over the past week have cited this album as the reason, but their abandoned beaus are furious. If this sounds like you, those personally impacted are filing a class action lawsuit against everyone’s favorite all-stars. For all you fans out there worried about this, fear not — Swift will just re-release the lawsuit in order to reclaim it.

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