Black Lives Matter girlfriend, Blue Lives Matter boyfriend team up to make history’s most insufferable couple

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

The infamous local couple made up of the opposing political forces of Libby Eral and Ray Cist are making headlines as their relationship, to the horror of all who encounter them, is better than ever. 

The couple did have a near-fatal altercation when  Eral decided to post a colorful infographic proclaiming “justice has been served” after Derek Chauvin, a murderer who was caught on video murdering a citizen on the job, was convicted of murder. “Ever since she went to college, Lib [Eral] changed. The leftists agenda on that campus is a disgrace,” Cist said. Thankfully, Eral, a finance major at the University of Alabama, admitted to Cist off the record that she believes the court of public opinion is coming down on Chauvin a little too hard.

Despite this conceit on the part of Eral, the couple has fundamentally different viewpoints on a number of issues. “I just think it’s wrong to hate someone based on their personal beliefs,” explained Eral when asked how she can justify describing herself as woke while dating someone who believes all Muslim citizens should be forced to leave the country.

Eral, doing the bare minimum for diversity and inclusion, considers herself a hero in her love affair with Cist. As the fixer-upper he is, she is proud to reach across the aisle that separates Nazis and vaguely half decent people in showing him the way to basic respect towards other humans, albeit a difficult task. 

Even though their political views may make this personal relationship difficult behind closed doors, onlookers cannot believe it can be conceivably worse than what is displayed on social media. Upon every global crisis, mass shooting or hate crime, Eral is the first to step up and make a post talking about how she is personally impacted. These valiant efforts to spark world peace and topple centuries of institutional racism are no match for the scathing reviews carelessly dispersed by Cist. Comments by Cist of “stop being such a libtard, babe” on Eral’s liberal Instagram account, @GodLovesDemocrats, are a source of local entertainment. 

Somehow, the couple carries on. One thing, however, is certain: both lovers will continue to ascribe to partisan lines and disrespect every individual who is not a straight, white, cis-gender, Christian man in the process. And isn’t that what love is all about?

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